"New heaven, new earth...past the size of dreaming." - Antony
& Cleopatra
"Is
it all that you imagined?" Thus began the letter I
received recently from a Reader keen to embark on her own journey of a new life
in brave new world. It has taken me weeks to respond. Busyness and an overly
lengthy "To Do" list aside, I have struggled to place my feelings in
the right frame, the right words.
I started
my response to her many times, but then ditched the effort each time, finally
today, I feel I have found the word or words, and hope she will excuse this
public reply to her queries...
Love.
That is
how all of this began, and love is what keeps me and this story going. Next
month will be four years since I left my high-flying life in Manhattan for the
bucolic British setting that is now my home - a story book English village that
charms and delights me daily; where I feel safe, secure and valued. I risked
everything, all I had and all that I was.
Was it
worth it? Without a doubt.
Is this
life all that you imagined?
Yes.
And, no.
I don't
have words to describe fully the frustration and isolation I have felt as I
have struggled to rebuild my career here in Britain. Incredible high and
gut-wrenching lows.
I have
had to fight for every little corner I have achieved. I have had to find
reserves of shameless self promotion that I never knew I had. I've had to be
fearless, brave and resilient. Creative and persistent. And, thick-skinned. Or
- at least attempt to be thick-skinned.
A journey
such as this is not for the faint-hearted.
Depression,
disappointment, anxiety and anger have all been present in full measure
alongside joy, passion, laughter and love.
Love is
the only thing that has got me through each and every rejection - and there
have been too many to count. Every time a door has slammed firmly shut, I've
retreated into the warm and open arms of my DEB.
For this,
I am thankful. For this, I live and find the strength to keep going.
There are
so many things here that give me joy: family (the best in-laws in the world!),
friends, community, etc. & etc.
But, I
would be lying to say that it has been easy, and not without struggle. It
requires living on ones wits, straining the nerves, and surviving. The lows can
be incredibly low, and hope a very distant thing. I have come to believe, quite
honestly, that I have more chance of winning the National Lottery than I do of
ever finding sustained and fulfilling employment in my field in this country.
Seriously.
Would you
do it all again? Absolutely. But, I would do it differently.
"What
an amazing life you have! How can I be you?" - The
young schoolteacher smiled at me broadly at the end of a very enjoyable
Shakespeare workshop I'd led with her students. Her words left me speechless.
All I could do was smile back at her weakly. If she only knew what it
meant "to be me"...
Four years on: Love is the only thing that keeps me
going.