The Art of Letting go...

Two years ago—in the midst of my ‘Single Girl’ life before the D.E.B.—I bought a wedding dress. I had no beau, no chap, and not a single wedding prospect on the horizon.  After putting in an Emergency Call in to St. Jude (the Saint of Hopeless Causes), I decided to follow the rather zany advice of my friend, "Bible-Belt Debutante":

“Honnnnneey,” she drawled down the phone, “You gotta show God you believe!”

By buying a wedding dress? – I said in disbelief. “Yeeees!!” she shouted down the phone (and I could sense that a “Hallelujah” was forthcoming shortly thereafter.) “You have to step out in faith! Like Lazarus! As the Lord once said, ‘Build it, and they will come’! So, buy the dress and the man will follow!”  

Nonsense? Perhaps. An excuse to go shopping? Why not.

So buy ‘the dress’ I did. In fact, I got so into this “Jesus said ‘build it and he will come’ idea” that I went ahead bought four (4) bridesmaids dress as well! (Anthropologie on Fifth Ave had a huge sale.)

Well, the D.E.B. did arrive. And so began a waiting game. A game of patience. It does make you wonder, doesn’t it, how our system is set up: Woman waits patiently (or not so patiently) until Man decides to ‘seal the deal,’ and pop the question. (I suppose there is always “Leap Year” for those gals who prefer to take matters into their own hands. )

As I’ve mentioned before (see posting: “Always Something There to Remind Me”) I have had varying degrees of success in my skills of waiting and patience, and thankfully I have been able to vent most of my angst here.  

Of course, friends were always ready and full of advice, also of varying degrees: “He’s got until February! That’s what I say!” – Banshee Friend wailed. “If he hasn’t done it by then, pack your stuff and get back to NYC!” (I have learned that doing the opposite of what Banshee Friend has to say is often the best way forward for me.)   

The best advice I had came from a sage and highly intuitive friend who advised several months ago that the best way to “gain what I want” is by “letting it go.” I could tell by the tone in her voice that another “act of faith” would be required on my part.

“Stop waiting for ‘The Proposal’,” she demanded. “You don’t need it. Just live your life. Let it go. Make peace with the situation you are in now.” And, just before she hung up/rang off: “Get rid of the dress.”

It took me a few weeks, but I finally got up enough courage to do it. To let the “faith dress” go, and ultimately to let go of what that wedding dress symbolized and represents. To relinquish control, and, as my Psychic Friend would say, “To trust the Universe.” So, I channeled my inner Angelina Jolie, and listed the “faith dress” on eBay.

The D.E.B. proposed 5 days later. 

Miracles

Dwell in possibilities.”  – Emily Dickinson

Today (28 October) is the Feast of St. Jude. Known as the “Saint of Last Resort,” St. Jude is the patron saint of the impossible and/or hopeless causes. I could not let this day go by without a public acknowledgement of thanks to Blessed Jude for his gracious intercession. 

It was a very dark time during which I reached out to the saint. A little over two years ago, I sat alone in tears, in my tiny New York apartment, facing the future with what I thought was my sole prospect of becoming yet another “eccentric old woman with a tribe of cats.” As I sat crying into my wine glass, I did what any reasonable, quasi-Catholic girl would do, I prayed to St. Jude.

For at that time, it felt to me that my life could not get more “impossible,” or more in need of a miracle. I prayed for hope, I prayed for love, I prayed for the man that is now by side each and every day. I did not pray from him by name, because back then he was only an idea, a dream, a fantasy. But I knew that he was and could be real, and that I could/would one day find him. There were many mountains to climb, and obstacles to be overcome, but still I believed. It took time and tempests before the D.E.B. arrived into my life, but I always knew he was on his way.

Yesterday, I quoted from Hamlet: “the readiness is all.” Today, I think it would be better to surmise: “the faithfulness is all.” Digging deep and finding the courage to believe in things that are only, and at best, hoped for and not yet—if ever—seen. I have learned the value of holding on to your dreams, even in the face of impossibility (ridicule, disdain, &etc.). And holding on to whatever helps you to hold on. 

Liz Trotta has written as an extraordinary book on St. Jude and those who have received miracles through his aid. Like many of them, I too made a vow to the saint that I intend to keep. As I tearfully whispered the words of the Jude novena, on that lonely night in New York City, so many weary, sleepless months ago, I promised then, that if this “dream man” arrived, and if we were so blessed to one day have a son, I would name him Jude. It is a lovely name after all, and, thankfully, a name that the D.E.B likes as well.

More than just a “thank offering,” I think that naming our future child after St. Jude would be a tangible reminder to me of where I’ve been, and how far I have come, as if I could ever forget.

p.s. I may not have dodged the eccentricity bullet, but I still only have one cat.