"I quit!" I declared as I walked into the Leisure Club gym this morning. "What? What are you saying to me?" Eva's impeccable comprehension of English seemingly had failed her at this pivotal moment in our discourse.
"Eva, I can't do this anymore. I can't take it. I can't run another mile, swim another stroke, or lift another weight. None of this is working anyway!!!" I stammered, on the brink of tears. "How do you mean? Look at you. You are so much better." said Eva, refusing to let me break up with her.
"Eva," I said flatly, trying to remain calm in order that she too would see the solid reason behind my decision, "at this point the only thing I am losing is my sense of humour, and my will to live. Please let me go."
"You are being so silly," she said, a twinkle in her bright, blue Polish eyes. "Chodz tu," ("Come here.") she said, leading me across the gym towards the dreaded, evil, evil treadmills. "We both have weddings, so, we work together."
Eva is getting married in October, so she understands--albeit from a distance--a measure of the terror that I am feeling. We ran side-by-side on the twin treadmills, with Eva pushing the controls of both machines higher and higher, faster and faster.
My will to live evaporated completely, and it was all I could do to hang on and not fly off the menacing machine. "Think of dress!" Eva shouted 8 minutes in, as I panted and sweated. "Think of Darling English Boy!" she said as she increased the speed on my machine, and hers. "Think of shun-high!" "Shun-high?" I panted, confused. "Yes, Shun-high! Keep going!" Eva encouraged.
Twenty-five minutes later, I wobbled off the treadmill, and collapsed on the exercise mat, more sure than ever of Eva's determination to kill me. As I lay there, eyes closed, Eva went and switched the music on the gym sound system. Suddenly, '90s techno-pop gave way to the sound of a soft, melodic love song: "From this Moment On."
Suddenly, I sat up. "Shun-high?" I asked in Eva's direction. "Yes," Eva replied, "Shun-high Twang. Would be beautiful love song for 'First Dance,' no?"
I was utterly exhausted, but couldn't help but smile as I watched Eva waltzing around the gym. My sense of humour may just be on the mend.